you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
