sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
