I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Drake has all the answers
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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