Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
