I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
