The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
