Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
