Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
