This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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