Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
