Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
