I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
