maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
