But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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