well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
