he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
