Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
