So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
