I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
