I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
