News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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