note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
