I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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