If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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