i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
