I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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