Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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