Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I intend to get homeless drunk
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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