Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
