I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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