He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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