I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
