I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
