I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need water and some morals
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
