Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
