if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
