Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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