We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
