she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
