I wish my penis had an off switch
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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