I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The adults are the big ones right?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
