is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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