you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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