My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
