drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
