God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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