chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
