my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
