peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
