I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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