OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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